Race and Religion in Marriage

19 Jun 1997

I would like to seek your views on the above topic. In Spore, it's increasingly common to find intercultural relationships/marriage as our society becomes more exposed and affluent.

I'm presently considering marriage to someone I've been going out with for the last 7 years. However, I'm apprehensive about the whole thing as we both come different ethic and religious background.

I'm not trying to stir up any racial or religious sentiments among members here, but am asking this out of concern. I've known friends whose spouses are from different background, but they either have religion or race in common. I've yet to come across a couple being of both different in ethnic and faith.

Yes, I know that I've to trash the matter out with it with my fiancee, which I'm doing presently, and we both want to keep our own faith in the marriage. I'm wondering if such a marriage can really work, in the long-run and I find that most of my married friends have converted to their spouses faith or vice versa, or have a tug-of-war as to which faith their offsprings should follow. In some cases the marriage has simple failed to realise.

randy:

I don't believe interethnic marriages are becoming common. The vast majority of Singaporeans are still quite conservative in this regard. Its sad that there are certain prejudices which are still inherent in our society. Its unlikely that it will ever be erased.

It also appears you have doubts about marrying this individual whom you have known for seven years. Perhaps you have been influenced by society's perceptions of your partner and you. Personally, I don't see why "love" should not allow you to surmount these obstacles.

cheow:

I think race itself would not be too much of a problem, as there is much common ground between the values of different races. Religion is however a big, big huddle. Two individuals from different races can be united by sharing a common religion. However, having different religions would be a potential problem for two individuals even if they are from the same race. Two persons of different religions may be able to share a life together, but it may not be 'total union': there is still gaps betwen their thinking which is separeted by different religious beliefs. Tension is bound to develop. And I agree that the greatest conflict would develop when they have to decide which faith the children are going to follow. One of them would have to compromise, otherwise the marriage would most likely fail. This is depressing, I know, for religions to divide instead of unite. But hopefully you can work it out with you fiancee. All the best.

Huge Cajones:

I, for one who has experienced bitter marriages for the last two years. My wife is a Christian and I'm a Buddhist. We did not talk much about religion prior to our marriage. I guess this has been interpreted as "flexibilities" by both of us. Until the wedding day, she refused to light up an incense as traditionally done when the bride was entering the groom's house. I have pleaded her to make exception for this once, but she denied me. However, for the weddings of her siblings and cousins, she insisted that I should attend the church, and I did.

I was not allowed to practice my religion at home (to have altar or even the Buddha statue). Worst of all, her mother keep checking on us to see whether her daughter does anything unchristian. At times, I involved in nasty quarrel both with her and her mother.

I told her once that in Chinese tradition, a woman is married into her husband, thus, she usually follows his tradition. Both she and her mother said that was old fashion. The distance between her and my family widen everyday. She views them as sinners and views me as someone that someday she will rescue by converting to her religion.

Too many times I have thought of divorce. At times, I made it known to her during quarreling, but she threatened to commit suicide. Last year, I consulted a lawyer for advice, he said it will take 4 to 5 years to complete a divorce. One way to get away from that is to migrate to another country. So, I made up my mind, ..., but just before I made preparation, she told me she was pregnant! The misery goes on ...

nyahnyah:

You should have thought about all this before marriage. Why complain now!

cheow:

You should be more sympathetic. He was probably hopeful that his wife and him would be able to overcome the difficulties. Real life is however cruel...I think more tension is coming...