Did I lose out on something? A Woman's Dilemma Everyone wants her cake and to eat it too. But something must give, and for women, that something could well be their peace of mind LIFE!INES By CHUA MUI HOONG WEEKDAY afternoons are usually hectic periods of frenetic activity. So it was a rare treat for me to sit in a cold, cold cafe in town the other day, snatching two precious hours on a weekday to read, reflect and let the brain roam far and wide. There I was, reading about Singapore's past in the heart of the city. And there they were, those women about my age, who seemed to come from a different world, who flitted in and out of the cafe, sipping coffee or tea, laden with shopping bags. I eyed them surreptitiously every now and then. They had skin that glowed with health and hair that looked shiny. They had the sleek, well put-together look of the well-off. These women were almost a different species from me. They stalked the shopping malls in search of bargains in 8-cm high spike heels. My preferred shopping footwear is my comfortable, trusty pair of Clarke sandals, broken across the heel in two places but still serviceable. I wear even 5-cm high sensible wedge heels under duress. Their outfits were pastel, coordinated. I was, as always, clad in some dark pieces that vaguely "went'' with whatever else I was carrying or wearing. I had no doubt about it. We were a different species. They were Japanese women -- wives and mothers, out having tea while their men worked in some office here. I was a modern Singaporean woman, prosaic and practical, canny about career but not about the household, more at home in front of the computer than in front of the stove. It is a fact, and not a source of either celebration or regret. The socialisation process in Singapore has taught me that women have a role in society, in the workplace, outside the home. It taught me that women can be, and many are, leaders. It taught me to understand that women can be strong, and are, indeed, sometimes stronger, and made of sterner stuff, than men. In school and at work, we Singapore women study and compete with men on equal footing. If not the world, at least the whole of Singapore is our oyster. We can be anything we want to be, within the limits of our abilities. And so my friends and I did well in school and went on to good jobs after. Some got married and became mothers. Some stayed single, still searching for that elusive man who would persuade them to risk their lives with another. We saw marriage and motherhood as natural progressions in life, but not as inevitable. They belonged to the category of nice-to-haves, not must-haves. If anything, we probably see a satisfying job as more of a must-have than a husband. And whereas we might put up with a job that is only so-so, my single friends and I would rather have no husband than put up with one who is just so-so. But did we lose out on something along the way? After all, here were these Japanese women, probably spending their husbands' money on a weekday and there I was, using my hard-earned cash to stretch one $4.95 pot of rose tea over two hours. Whereas women of the past at 30 would have likely raised three children, I know many people my age who are totally lost in the home, who can neither cook nor clean. Some probably cannot even manage a household decently with a maid, and depend on their mother or mother-in-law to make sure there is a ready supply of fresh food in the home. I look at my niece, three-going-on-four, and wonder how she will turn out. I wonder, too, how I should help shape her in future. Should I influence her life so she will turn out like one of those Japanese women, or so she will turn out more like me? Should my family steer her gently towards the path of conventional womanhood, and school her in the gentler arts of the household, or teach her that her world must lie beyond the home? These philosophical questions will help determine whether we send her to that ballet class or to the self-defence taekwondo class in future; whether we encourage her to join the Home Econs society or the mountaineering club for her extra-curricular activity. Already, with a big brother at home, she has a distressing tendency to prefer loud shooting games with her brother to playing quietly with her Barbie dolls. How much should we try to encourage or discourage particular types of behaviour? A friend joked that we should raise my niece Joanne to be marriageable and to net a rich husband. Send her to Singapore Chinese Girls' School, she said. "No way," I said. Of course I objected; I am a Raffles alumnus. It was all said in jest, but the underlying dilemma is a real one. What do we want our women to become? If Joanne grows up to become like me and my friends, she will function well in the workplace. But she will always be a part-time mother, for people of my ilk will never stay home full-time to care for children. I was a full-time house and child-minder for two months when my mother was ill, and the experience reinforced something I had always suspected: that if I must, I can, but I would much rather not. My friends and I were simply not raised to become full-time mothers. We were raised to be functional digits in the modern economy. Do we want more Singapore women of the future to be workers, or to stay home? I happen to believe that women in Singapore, while encouraged to fulfill their potential as individuals and workers, have not been encouraged sufficiently to see their traditional roles as attractive options. Being a full-time mother in this society is less attractive, to many women, than being a cog in the wheel of the modern economy. It should not be so. The truth, of course, is that everyone wants her cake and to eat it too. Women want their careers and families. Men want their careers and a wife who will run the household and mother the children. The state wants women to be both economic assets and to be actively raising future economic assets. But something must give, and for women, that something could be their peace of mind, as they juggle three roles. Poor little Joanne. Which species will she evolve into?