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She's the loveliest girl in the world - she's gorgeous, caring, generous, funny - she even gets on with your friends. You've been a couple for awhile and you can't imagine life without her. Your plans for the future invariably involve her somewhere; you're sure you two were meant to be together. You're basically ready to pop the question. But then - and here you pause - you remember a few other things about her, like her Masters' in Anthropology, for instance, and that job promotion that's upped her salary by close to a thousand. She's better qualified, you see, maybe she even comes from a background that's way above middle class, or more importantly, way above yours. You've always known at the back of your mind that she was socially superior to you in many ways; now you're starting to wonder whether the things that held you together through courtship will be strong enough to last through marriage.
There are two ways of looking at it, of course. On the one hand, you'd be marrying up. Up is good, right? On the other hand, she'd be marrying down. Now, down is not so good. A perhaps surprising number of women see marriage as a means of 'rising' in the world - not necessarily a money-grubbing kind of rising, but a rising that promises a stable, bright future, with a degree of contentment never before attained. Lynn, a systems analyst, puts it in a nutshell. "The guy I marry has to make my life happier than I ever thought possible, or else we might as well just carry on dating. There wouldn't be much point in marrying otherwise". Su-Sin, 25, who plans to marry next year, agrees. "Marriage should be a step up to a higher plane, whether it be financially, socially, or just in terms of blissfulness". After a pause, she thoughtfully observes, "And I suppose bliss would probably need some help from the first two, right?"
Marriage is generally considered an uplifting experience. It's not intended to make one feel like they're downgrading. How important, then, are material attainments to this spiritual bonding? It's a question as classic as that of marrying outside one's race, religion or age group. Academic credentials, social standing and affluence are all in great part measures of lifestyle quality - if a person is accustomed to a certain standard of living, it's only fair to expect that they would want to either maintain it, or better it. It seems natural to conclude that in order to maintain happy relations, your life and your spouse's must be at least equal. If you're a graduate, for instance, life with someone who is not as scholarly or as well read, may not be particularly fulfilling. What will you talk about when the honeymoon's over? Will you have to avoid using big words? As you may know, these little things have a way of eating into you.
There's the question of equality too. In this day and age, you would think we're past that. No sir, says Isa, a 32-year-old designer who recently ended his relationship with a successful lawyer. "When a guy marries up, everyone looks at him as some worthless bum who has to depend on his wife. If he gets anywhere on his own, people will say it's thanks to his wife, who always was the smarter, richer one". Twenty-six year-old Colin, who is currently dating a writer, thinks the same. "There's definitely a social stigma attached. Men are supposed to go out there, fight wars and bring home the bacon. Women want that and men want to do that. When a girl marries well, it's great. When a guy marries well, it's like he's 'kept' ". Consider Flaubert's Madame Bovary, a Victorian classic about an unequal marriage. The heroine, Emma Bovary, bemoans the fact that her husband had "nothing to teach; knew nothing, wanted nothing". And the reason the novel's a classic? Timelessness. Across the world, men are rated as more dominant, aggressive and achievement-driven (Williams & Best, Sex Stereotypes and Intergroup Relations); unconsciously, men are expected to display traits of superiority, traits most easily seen in visible forms likewealth or having a good job. The 'social stigma' Colin was referring to does exi st; it's a question of how much you will let that affect you. That's the other side of the coin.
As anyone who's been there will tell you, those various forms of material wealth are only one part of the picture. There's the other part, the spiritual part, the part that lasts for better or for worse, especially for worse. Ann, an Honours graduate, married a diploma-holder 5 years ago. As a department head, her salary is double her husband's. How does it affect her marriage? "It doesn't. Even if he isn't contributing as much in terms of money, he gives to the relationship in many other ways. It does balance out, and that's what really matters. And just because he's not a grad, doesn't mean he's an imbecile. We communicate with each other perfectly well. I married Dennis because of the person he is; I know no one will ever love me or understand me as much, or as well, as he does". Compatibility in terms of emotions, interests, personality and the like, can be an equalizing factor; certainly it can outweigh 'material' compatibility. Adam, in a similar situation, concurs. "It's about give and take. Even if she's the bread-winner, I have my share of responsibilities. No one is 'higher' than the other. And, for the hundredth time, just because she has the paper qualifications doesn't mean we can't talk". Psychologists Gray-Little and Burks write that, if equity exists and if decision-making power is shared, the chances for a sustained and satisfying relationship are good.
In the end, it boils down to what you (and your partner) personally want and need. Marrying up or down is ultimately a question of perception. Different things hold different couples together; it's your job to sort those out before getting serious and talking marriage. If social and material superiority is an issue - and it's a biggie - talk it out while you're friends. Make your expectations very clear - if you both can't agree on those wants and needs, marriage should be the last thing on your mind.
By Janice Fung
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